Because Young

Stepping out of the little busy happy bubble I've been living in these few weeks and just letting my thoughts run wild for a bit. 

What do you do when you start caring for people whom you never really wanted to? But before you know it, you foster this weird friendship with them and suddenly you want to be there for them, to keep them on the right direction before they go astray. You constantly harp on the same old things only to be disappointed and betrayed over and over again. What's the point of apologising? You can't save milk that has already been deliberately spilt. It's so tiring and annoying to repeat the whole darn cycle over and over again. You go through the disappointment alone while they take your words for granted, brushing it off with "sorrys" and "will never do it again", and all the time thinking that you will still be there for them. 

I could feel myself slipping away, and the truth that I spill even caught me by surprised. I honestly couldn't be bothered anymore. You live your life while I live mine. As long as you don't screw up my life, I will do absolutely nothing to and for you. We have always been very different individuals anyway. We live by different principles and morales and I give up trying to understand where these people are coming from. 

Once again, I found another reason to keep my distance and heighten my walls. I'm really not cut out to be selfless, to love and expect nothing. All these selfless acts are a waste of my time and too emotional for my liking. 

I also wonder what will happen if one day I decide to just let loose and do things I said I never would. Yes, I'm talking about picking up a stick, drink the night away and just be this wild child that I've tamed inside me. Just for a day. Could be a case of curiosity killed the cat, but I'm only young once right? I can fool myself and say that all these are purely for experience, so I will truly understand why people are addicted and will be able to better explain to my kids in future. But is it really? 

Ah, just one of those nights.

Ok stepping back into the happy bubble.