Recently, I find myself constantly thinking about people at the back of my mind. It isn't those kind that bugs you to think about it, it is just there subtly. Occasionally they chose to scream for a few seconds of attention. Then after a short while, it resides back to where it wants to belong.
You wonder how it all happened, and how it didn't now. You wonder if there was something you could do to fix things back then. You wonder how those people view you now. You wonder how they are actually doing. You wonder why was there a change. You wonder of all the potential "what ifs" and "why nots".
But that's all one can do. To wonder. Yes, sometimes some things can still be saved if someone does something about it. But really, there are certain occasions where the "right time" has passed and the both of you know that there is really nothing either one can do to go back to those times, no matter how badly you want it.
I'm done wondering. Pretty worn out to have such thoughts residing at the back of my mind. We all tried, but when the ship sails, there really isn't a point in anchoring it down anymore. I will let go of those good times and friendships and be thankful that at least we had a chance to be close.
All to become a happier and more contented person :-)
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A few days back, I came across this snapshot of The Lover's Dictionary on Ig and found it really meaningful and somehow, it holds a great deal of my personal thoughts.
Detachment, n.
"I still don't know if this is a good quality or a bad one, to be able to be in the moment and then step out of it. Not just during sex, or while talking, or kissing. I don't deliberately pull away - I don't think I do - but I find myself suddenly there on the outside, unable to lose myself in where I am. You catch me sometimes. You'll say I'm drifting off, and I'll apologise, trying to snap back to the present.
But I should say this:
Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation midsentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you."
Honestly, I enjoy being detached. I love how I can detach myself from things and people pretty easily. It saves a lot of unnecessary emotions and issues, and I get to look at things from a third person's point of view. But I know having too much of one thing will actually step on people's toes.
Like I have mentioned previously, I'm thankful for the friends who stayed throughout. Being in the detachment state helps me to constantly remind myself it is always quality more than quantity. I don't need people who come and go, I don't need tons of friends. I just need the ones that accept me and my flaws.
And I'm thankful for you. Unknowingly, I've come to rely on you more than I wanted to. But I'm still in my "safe zone" so all's good. Thank you for everything you have done so far.
I couldn't ask for more.
Good night :-)
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