Little Talks

Hello wello. 

I am finally done with camps. I can safely say FOC 13/14 Yggdrasil was a success and I'm glad that our hard work, sweat and tears didn't go to waste. I could go on and on about how thankful I am during this journey but I guess that can wait for now!

On a less positive note though, (almost) everything feels foreign and different now. Maybe it is just me, I don't know. Deep down I know I should be happy for such things to happen, but I have this wave of doubt and insecurities that nags at me. But who am I to comment? I just hope friends around/close to me will be influenced by the good things and people. I hope they are able to figure out what's good and what's not. 

And note to self: This could be just a phase. But don't be too consumed by all the negativity you throw on your thoughts. Look around and hold on to the ones that really knows and accepts your soul. Remember it is always about the quality, not the quantity. You don't need them, you know you don't. So push those thoughts away. They aren't healthy. Ok. 

Sorry if that entire chunk doesn't make sense to you! Take it as I am having a monologue. Some things just cannot be said explicitly on such platforms. Unless people don't know them. Hm. 

ANYWAY.

I was blog-stalking and I came across this blogger who talked about her skin condition. And it was strikingly familiar with what I am diagnosed with. I've never really shared this out here and among friends, but ever since I was 8 years old, I get this "rash" on the back of my knees and it itches like crazy every time. Sometimes it disappears for a week and I would be so happy cause I thought I was cured, but no it comes back. And it always come and go till I got to used to it. Even now. I've been to doctors but it doesn't work. I know it isn't normal but it has been my "companion" for so long I just didn't bother to treat it any longer. If it itches, I scratch. If there's blood, I wipe. Life goes on. 

In recent years, my finger nails started to get weird. Some of them actually look like its rotting (hahaha I know, it's disgusting.) My friends and relatives have asked questions like "walao why your finger nails like that one!" and honestly I DON'T KNOW. It just happened. And it dampens my self-esteem every now and then because I always felt ugly and weird and disgusting when I feel/see my skin condition. 

Until today! I finally know what I was diagnosed with. Psoriasis. That's what I'm diagnosed with all these years. I've looked at the pictures and it caused me to have goose bumps.

"Psoriasis is a non-contagious skin condition that produces red, dry plaques of thickened skin. Psoriasis is considered a non-curable, long-term (chronic) skin condition. It has a variable course, periodically improving and worsening. It is not unusual for psoriasis to spontaneously clear for years and stay in remission. Treatment for psoriasis may continue for a lifetime."

And apparently, it can happen on your fingernails as well! There's no known cause of it yet, but mostly it could be passed down genetically (I think my Dad's has them, and is still having them lol) or stress and bad diet. 

Well well well, guilty as charged for the above 3 highly-suspected causes! I think every day I just eat no oil no sugar no salt foods and maybe quit school? Or quit life also can. 

I'm enlightened, yet... I don't know. When I found out about these awhile ago, my thoughts just went to a halt. Blank. Don't know how to feel about this. 

Just exactly why am I born with such an unhealthy and unfit body? Knowing that there's no exact cure and that it is a life-long (I'm not doubting it is life-long because my Dad is still suffering from them and I have been having them on my skin since 8) skin condition just makes me go "meh". 

Ah. Life sucks, but suck it up. 

Good night, and I hope you have a better night than I do.