Remember The Name

Hm. 

Before I begin, to whoever who is reading this, I'm not sad and I'm not being emotional. This is more of an understanding and mutual agreement that my mind and heart had came up with. And I'm blogging about this simply for memories sake since this space is the only place I rant to. Okay? Okay.

You were always "more than a friend, less than a lover" to me. This may be one-sided or mutual, but I will never know because we never speak about it. We tried to I guess, but we always beat around the bush and in the end it leads nowhere. There were so many things to consider between us and it seems like if we slipped something out, the fragile friend/relationship might just break. 

And honestly to me, the friendship we shared was probably the most complicated one I ever had. You made me both happy and numb (most of the times numb). You were so predictable yet unpredictable in certain situations, you were like good and bad jumbled into one, but with you it was more of the bad I experienced. Not that it is your fault. It was my carelessness that I wore my heart on my sleeve and so I was more sensitive and irrational when it comes to you. 

You always come and go; and the weirdest thing about this sick cycle is that I always knew when you were coming back. I don't know how, women's instincts I guess. But this time I know its closure, and I am proven right again. 

Your judgement about me right now is probably wrong because I am only like this to you, sadly. How I wish I had no feelings for you from the very beginning, things wouldn't be like this I guess. 

No doubt I will miss you and I know that if initially nothing changes, things will be different and a lot more complicated, but also a lot more beautiful. I know you blame me for not putting in any effort - but the fact is I can't. Any closer I get to you I will be dead. But you will never know this and hence you will never understand. But I will just let it be, because in life you can't please everybody. 

Maybe in future we will meet and catch up on life and maybe by then things will be different. From now on you will be nothing but just a friend to me, at least I try to make sure that happens. You are like a short chapter from a book, and now I'm finally about to finish writing it. 

Nevertheless, you gave me a lot to remember and a lot to learn from. I'm happier now and I hope you are too :-)