Sick Cycle Carousel

So I found out stuffs that shouldn't be leaked from someone. And it is the second time this month. Kinda got me thinking.

Trust.

Something that everyone wants to have, to gain. But something that people don't know how to guard, to keep, and to honor safely. People spill the beans so easily it is actually scary. Or maybe because they didn't think it would mean anything. Different people, different definitions.

It is like a cycle to me. I meet a new friend. I get closer to them. I start to want to trust them. They gave me the feeling that I actually could. I start to trust them. Things go well for awhile. Then come one day where Friend B will tell me things that I only told Friend A, it may be the full story, it may not. Then while I was having the shock of my life inside, I have to pretend that I was ready for this "confrontation" and that I'm fine with Friend B knowing it. So Friend B leaves and I will just stand/sit there alone thinking and thinking... Then it hits me.

I got betrayed. Yes, I am exaggerating it but it sure feels like it. A sense of mistrust. And then I have to swallow that hurt I feel and move on. I still have to pretend that I am fine with Friend A. Then I will secretly stop trusting Friend A, start drifting away from him/her. Until one day I forgive and trust again. Or maybe I never will.

But in any case, I still find myself trusting again. With the same friend who hurt me unknowingly, or with a new friend. Of course, I inevitably built more walls, I trust less. But I still do trust. Then I have to go through this cycle over and over again. And that just isn't cool.

I'm getting quite sick and tired of all these though. I'm going to settle with just opening up with the few trusted, genuine, old friends. And you too. But that's about it. There's just too much risk involved. I can never get used to this whole leaking-out-your-shit-though-I-didn't-mean-to crap. I'm scared and I think I should stop letting people in so easily.

Trust, it is a mutual thing. I think everyone should be clear of that and also find out how important trust really is to someone.

I would talk a lot more but... 'nuff said.

Good night all!