Adulting

It is a constant stuggle.

Gonedry

You watch all these strangers trying so hard to live their dreams, while you resigned to the fact that you will never be half as good even if you give it a shot. Lack of creativity, lack of resources, lack of skills, lack of capital support. Shortchanged. Add in a shot of fear and confusion. 

Always thought you had it all planned out but when the time comes you realised, hey, all the could and should haves. 

Have always read similar posts like this in the past but never fully understood the emotions behind these frustrated phrases. Now I do. Prided myself to be a realist but this time it hits much harder than I ever expected. What you love and wish to try vs. what you have to do to survive and support. I've succumbed to being mainstream. Succumbed to have my existence be duplicated. 

But I think it is time I stop wallowing in all these "what ifs" because I will never know since I will never have the courage to try it out, what with age (albeit not very old) and commitments. Bite the bullet and do whatever as hobbies. Not being able to make your dreams into profession doesn't mean you have to stop doing them completely. 

I wonder what life has in store for me. Everyday I discover; but everyday I get lost too. 

-- 

Some titles you assume naturally, some you demand and then seek for approval.

When this is the real deal and you thought you had it all figured out.

'Em feels.

Narrative

Is it just me or does life likes to prove us wrong all the time? Be it good or bad.

Anyhow, it feels incredible to be back.

Mundane

My motivation level to study for my final finals (hopefully) is complete bullshit. Despite all my friends and family telling me that I shouldn't complain so much about the student life and enjoy it because the work culture is a lot more boring than studying, I just can't. 

I can't wait to get out of this mundane and pointless education system. Screw what people say about the corporate life, at least I get to be productive and earn some dollars instead of reviewing journal articles and writing academic reports/essays for nothing. Except for grades. 

I hate how my brain is wired to just memorise theories and case studies as well as extract and paraphrase literature. 

But then I think about all those people who wished to have education but do not have the ability to receive so, my annoyance subsided a little. This is a good problem to have, right? To complain about a rigid education system. 

So I will suck thumb and go back to typing my notes, hopefully I am slightly fuelled now. After all, it is the last lap. And better late than never eh? 

I am privileged; remember to count my blessings. 

(But that still does not change the fact that I am welcoming corporate life with open arms, though I will most definitely miss all these long student breaks) 

Memory Lane

Read through my previous posts and reblogs on Tumblr and had quite a number of flashbacks. 

There are times where you felt less than you actually are; and only realise it after you go through your previous logs. 

That's good though, to be slightly delusional about the pain you endured during those tougher times. 

I'm contented and I'm glad; I hope to always remember to count my blessings. 

Sick and tired sick and tired sick and tired sick and tired sick and tired sick and tired sick and tired sick and tired sick and tired sick and tired sick and tired of studying of academic journals of my procrastination

I feel so bad for my parents this guilt I cannot take it but it is too late to make things better for this semester ahhhhhhhhh I'm sorry

Ok back to the notes

Eradicate

It is only when I am at my busiest with coursework that I feel the motivation to blog ugh. 

Thought of the day:

Majority of people, myself included, always comfort and advice the family and friends around us to not have much expectations. "With expectations come disappointment, expect nothing and you will never be disappointed." I used to tell this to the people around me and to myself too, when I have failed to achieve what I planned to. At times, those words work like a charm - it makes you feel a tad better and comforts you. But now, I'd say that this is a great example of 吃不到葡萄说葡萄酸 kind of situation. Sorry my lack of vocabulary has forced me to use a Chinese idiom to explain hahaha. 

In my opinion, I think expectations are necessary because it sets a benchmark for every individual. While failing to fulfil your goals may amplify your pain, it allows you to gauge how far and how much you have to work in order to reach the finishing line. Expectations also allow you to perceive your worth. Taking this out of academic context, I think majority of us have certain unspoken expectations for our closest ones. If they fall short, then it proves something - not how worthy you are, but how you are worth so much more; how you should get what you deserve and not settle for something less. 

It is the acceptance of failure and having the courage to confront such matters that essentially make things better. 

And unfortunately, those are things I am horrible at.