1 - Nil

These few weeks I have always been wondering. 

Wondering if you are like this only to me, or if you are the same to other girls too.

Wondering if I mean something to you, or if you view me as a friend. 

Wondering if there is a reason behind the lack of enthusiasm now, or if I am just boring you out.

Wondering if that night was real, or if it was just an act of stupidity and rashness.

Wondering if you were giving signs, or am I just thinking too much. 

Wondering why the trust in the beginning felt so much stronger than now. 

Wondering why you are able to make me feel this way. 

Wondering why you always come back when I tried to let it go. 

Wondering how you are able to make me touched so easily.

Wondering how you made me rely on you subconsciously - something I hardly do. 

Wondering why I am attracted to you when there are people who treats me better.

Wondering why everything you do affects me so easily. 

Wondering if I even matter to you at all. 

And I keep wondering and wondering, and that is what kills me inside. 

There is something about you that really pulls me to you, what is that "something" though, I can't exactly figure it out. People told me things about you, but it never change how I feel. What's so scary about this is that there is no uncertainty about the way I feel. I was never sure about things like this so readily, but now when I am, it has to be like this. 

Tumblr-ing now becomes something I have to think twice about because I am afraid you will see what I reblog and know what's going through my mind every day. Sigh. 

I sound like a lovesick fool and I am disgusted by myself haha. I don't like me being this way. I hardly like anyone and all these feelings just feels so foreign and out of place. One of the rare times I am willing to  bare my heart to someone but I am faced with false hopes and confusion. Gah. 

I tried sleeping it off but it doesn't work, guess typing it down feels a lot better. I never wanted the childish game of "love" to be the reason why I am upset. I feel pathetic. I'm not a fan of penning down my rawest feelings on this page but I guess sometimes you don't need an explanation of the things you are doing. 

This is probably karma. I am definitely better off alone now, totally not ready for this. 

Need to stop feeling like this. Life is too short to live it this way. What happened to all the sense of fulfillment and accomplishment? Sheesh. I don't need to have someone, I don't need you. 

There was this phrase that my friend and I were discussing a few weeks back which I guess concludes this whole mess I am feeling:

"You don't choose who you fall for."