So I have been thinking. I think I lost my mind a few weeks back. All I know for sure was that my emotions and thoughts were really screwed up, to the extent where I could be hurt for a minute, then bitter the next and of course, completely pissed off. I hate how I say things (well in this case, tweet) when I'm angry because... I don't know, my words don't make sense. What I honestly feel doesn't tally with what I typed. I hate that I am empowered by anger these few weeks and its sickening. It sucks and it makes you feel worse because you know that the harder you try to be angry, the harder you try to move on, you actually feel more loser-ish and the next thing you know?
You are back to the same spot.
I have been too dramatic with what's going on. Overreacting and also flattering myself by thinking that everything you said on your status or your personal message was about me. People told me not to assume, and not to be so suspicious, but its a feeling I cannot control. I know, for the past few weeks that everyday, especially in the night, I get angrier than before, more bitter than before. Then my emotions get more screwed up each time. I don't like me being like this. I am not used to it. It doesn't feel right. It feels like being someone I am not. It disgust me. Then until I saw one of your personal messages and then I realise that, hey, you were right. (It doesn't matter if that pm was for me, whatever it is I felt that I should really stop whatever I have been doing after reading that)
Then I figured out something. That I was being so childish about this whole thing. Kicking up such a huge fuss, being so angry for (almost) nothing, whining about it and tweeting angry tweets... very childish. Like what the hell, what is wrong with me?
So many times people told me to move on, to stop hoping. But the need to hope feels inevitable. I don't know, I thought everybody deserves a second chance isn't it? So why aren't I getting mine? Was I so horrible that a second chance seemed like a waste? Hence I felt the need to hope. When people ask about you and I, I still can't bring myself to tell them its over. I'd play along and said we are fine. How long have you guys been together? One year plus, I would say. I know its not right to do this, if its over, its over. I don't know why I just can't bring myself to tell them that fact.
Then I figured out recently that it was probably me still hoping you would give us another shot. If you really did, then there isn't much of a point in me telling them its over, right?
So since it has already been one month and more, I guess your mind have already been made up long ago. You will never give me a second chance. And for that, I think its time to stop hoping. Definitely not easy, I know for sure that at some point of time I would still be hoping pathetically, but at least I'm trying to put some effort to stop. The next time people ask me again, I will tell them the truth. I am so sick and tired of feeling so sick and tired. I am so tired of struggling with this feeling of despair and emptiness inside me. Its like I'm fighting for nothing. Holding on to nothing. I don't even think I know what I was fighting for. Its really tiring me out.
Knowing that your friends kinda accused me after we split didn't make things any easier for me either.
So I give up. I give up hoping. I give up thinking I was worth it. I give up thinking we were more than this. I give up feeling bitter about this whole thing. I am just gonna accept how I really feel and be really matured about this. I don't think this is appropriate but it feels to me that I have lost and you have won, for the first time?
I don't know if you still come to this page, but if you do then this entire post is for you I guess. I am sorry for all the mean things I have said, there are some tweets (if you still read my tweets) which isn't true to what I feel at all, and there are some which are at least half the truth of what I'm feeling. You are a really nice guy and you don't deserve this shit. I'm sorry for being so childish about this whole thing and overreacting to whatever that has happened and whatever that has come to my mind. For every harsh word I've said, I'm sorry. I hope you don't bear any grudge against me? I don't know why you want me to move on so badly, though. I still hope I didn't lose you completely, I would very much still want to be your friend.
Hi guys, here's the sad truth. After so long, today, I am still stuck at the very night which broke everything I had with someone I loved. But I'm glad I am finally able to face it. I will try to move on, try to stuff my mind with thoughts that's not related to you. Very very tough, but I believe I am not that weak either.
But of course, I am not saying that if miraculously, there's a second chance, I would reject it. Haha.
AH SHIT. DID I JUST PLANT SOME HOPE IN ME AGAIN.
To you, I really really wish you all the best. I hope after this split life have been easier for you, since a burden like me isn't there anymore. And if there's another girl in your life right now, or in the future, I would say she's lucky. Not that it matters.
Good night.
You are back to the same spot.
I have been too dramatic with what's going on. Overreacting and also flattering myself by thinking that everything you said on your status or your personal message was about me. People told me not to assume, and not to be so suspicious, but its a feeling I cannot control. I know, for the past few weeks that everyday, especially in the night, I get angrier than before, more bitter than before. Then my emotions get more screwed up each time. I don't like me being like this. I am not used to it. It doesn't feel right. It feels like being someone I am not. It disgust me. Then until I saw one of your personal messages and then I realise that, hey, you were right. (It doesn't matter if that pm was for me, whatever it is I felt that I should really stop whatever I have been doing after reading that)
Then I figured out something. That I was being so childish about this whole thing. Kicking up such a huge fuss, being so angry for (almost) nothing, whining about it and tweeting angry tweets... very childish. Like what the hell, what is wrong with me?
So many times people told me to move on, to stop hoping. But the need to hope feels inevitable. I don't know, I thought everybody deserves a second chance isn't it? So why aren't I getting mine? Was I so horrible that a second chance seemed like a waste? Hence I felt the need to hope. When people ask about you and I, I still can't bring myself to tell them its over. I'd play along and said we are fine. How long have you guys been together? One year plus, I would say. I know its not right to do this, if its over, its over. I don't know why I just can't bring myself to tell them that fact.
Then I figured out recently that it was probably me still hoping you would give us another shot. If you really did, then there isn't much of a point in me telling them its over, right?
So since it has already been one month and more, I guess your mind have already been made up long ago. You will never give me a second chance. And for that, I think its time to stop hoping. Definitely not easy, I know for sure that at some point of time I would still be hoping pathetically, but at least I'm trying to put some effort to stop. The next time people ask me again, I will tell them the truth. I am so sick and tired of feeling so sick and tired. I am so tired of struggling with this feeling of despair and emptiness inside me. Its like I'm fighting for nothing. Holding on to nothing. I don't even think I know what I was fighting for. Its really tiring me out.
Knowing that your friends kinda accused me after we split didn't make things any easier for me either.
So I give up. I give up hoping. I give up thinking I was worth it. I give up thinking we were more than this. I give up feeling bitter about this whole thing. I am just gonna accept how I really feel and be really matured about this. I don't think this is appropriate but it feels to me that I have lost and you have won, for the first time?
I don't know if you still come to this page, but if you do then this entire post is for you I guess. I am sorry for all the mean things I have said, there are some tweets (if you still read my tweets) which isn't true to what I feel at all, and there are some which are at least half the truth of what I'm feeling. You are a really nice guy and you don't deserve this shit. I'm sorry for being so childish about this whole thing and overreacting to whatever that has happened and whatever that has come to my mind. For every harsh word I've said, I'm sorry. I hope you don't bear any grudge against me? I don't know why you want me to move on so badly, though. I still hope I didn't lose you completely, I would very much still want to be your friend.
Hi guys, here's the sad truth. After so long, today, I am still stuck at the very night which broke everything I had with someone I loved. But I'm glad I am finally able to face it. I will try to move on, try to stuff my mind with thoughts that's not related to you. Very very tough, but I believe I am not that weak either.
But of course, I am not saying that if miraculously, there's a second chance, I would reject it. Haha.
AH SHIT. DID I JUST PLANT SOME HOPE IN ME AGAIN.
To you, I really really wish you all the best. I hope after this split life have been easier for you, since a burden like me isn't there anymore. And if there's another girl in your life right now, or in the future, I would say she's lucky. Not that it matters.
Good night.
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